The Adventures of Sunday Mass

Mass was funny tonight. No, Mass shouldn't typically be funny but I had to laugh at the situation. I have been given the gift of watching my nephew during Mass. He is 3 months old. Of course I am also watching my lively three year old. Every week I think to myself, I can do this. Many moms handle 3,4, or 5 kids at Mass. Two? No problem.


Everything was off to a great start, until I dropped Joey's pacifier on the ground. Of course Olivia was more than happy to climb under the pews to reach the binky. Upon retrieving it she shouts, 'Mom, it has hair all over it'. So, the binky is done for the evening. Joey starts to fuss. Liv takes the opportunity to use the pew as a trampoline. I immediately stop her by giving her the 'gritting-teeth-turning-red' look and she sits. I stand up (at least I know enough to sit in the last row) and move behind the pew to stand-rock the baby. Finally there is peace...but we have only made it to the Gloria.


The readings come and I get pieces of the First reading. I know this much, the language was beautiful. But I don't get much farther because there is activity on the pew again. Crushed goldfish on the floor. (I know.... I try not to bring food but sometimes I am just weak. If she is eating then there is no talking, right?!) Then the dreaded news, 'Mom, I have to pee'. I say, 'Not now Olivia, the Gospel is about to start'. And she replies with the standard, 'But mom, I realllyyy have to pee'.


So this is that point... you know when you just have to decide. Does she really have to go the bathroom? How many people have now heard the word 'pee' around you? Will she continue to chant 'pee' until you take her out of Church? One time.... just one time I called her on it. I thought she was bluffing and we were running late for something. So when she stood in the Walmart cart and told me she had to pee I told her to wait until we were done checking out. You can hold it. Then the pee dance began. I'm sure you've seen it before. That little dance punctuated with a whine that just goes right through you. And then the pee began to run down her leg, onto the cart, onto the floor. It was traumatic. I felt terrible, she felt terrible and the Walmart employees felt terrible. Now I try to respect the 'pee dance'.


So, we go to the bathroom. I missed the second reading. And the Gospel. And I'm pretty sure there would have been some great message tailored just for me to hear. I am sure your next through would be, 'Why don't you just read the readings?' I would. Really I would but I couldn't put the baby down because he was fussy. And there was this spit up issue.... And Liv, well she was taking full advantage of my temporary handicap.


My sister came over right before Communion because the fussing got to be a little much.  She sits in the front of the Church and came back to assist. We got a bottle together and I started to feed him. Jessie walked with Liv up to get Communion and I continued to feed the baby. (FYI Jessie is the Youth Minister which is why I was taking care of the babe. She would have taken him but she had announcements to handle after Communion). So Jess is walking with Liv. And just as we are approaching the Holy Eucharist I get a feeling. Call it mothers intuition. Call it just plain craziness. Liv decided to follow the priest back to the altar. I don't know what she was thinking but as he patted her on the head she took it as an invitation to come with him. Jessie didn't even know what hit her.


I went back to the pew and thanked Jesus for letting me receive Him. As I lovingly patted Joey's little back and thought about my intentions I felt a warm sensation. Joey had thrown up a ton all over my right arm and leg. I kid you not. Warm spit up just makes me crazy.

And then it was over. As Mass ended with a praise and worship song I noticed a few things. First, I had stopped sweating. Second, sweet Joey was happy as a clam. Third, Liv was excitedly clapping her hands and dancing to the song. Fourth, I am a superstar.